What an interesting--to say the least--day! I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. Alright, I'll start with today's "theme". The subject for today is based on the line, "I feel obligated to be me".
I had the day off today, and spent most of my time outside just enjoying the beautiful Bronx view. At this moment, mostly every part of me is wishing that I never stepped a foot out of my front door. My reasoning for this is based upon the main event that took place today. Long story short, I basically made a VERY VERY unwise decision. Not just any unwise decision, but one that I told myself I would never make again. As much as I'd like to frame it as a mistake, I know that stupidity and a lack of self esteem defer from a mistake in the way that a mistake is not a mistake when you begin to do the same thing countlessly. Same script written with a new pen.
BASIC SYNOPSIS:
For the sake of my privacy, I'm not going to into too much detail about the actions that took place. The unwise decision placed me in a state of choosing between my "building identity" and pleasure. Ultimately, I chose pleasure and was left at the crime scene as the victim and the murderer; it was a sort of self-inflicted...internal suicide.
The older--and, no less single--I get, I find myself in a war zone where the fight is between who I want to be and what others think I should--or expect me to be. The hard part about it is knowing that since it's me against myself, I'm bound to lose in some way or the other.
No woman wants to be thought of easy, nor does she want to be thought of as so tough of a cookie that it's "pointless to try to approach her". I can't speak for every woman, but I can certainly speak for myself when I say, I'm willing to be the "easiest piece of meat" for my man. But, I'm working hard at not letting myself be easy just to get a man.
Overall, I need to STEP UP for me. Step up for me...or lay down for everyone else? The streets lay flat, and they get ran over unlimitedly.
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